Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
