I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
