It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
