this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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