Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
