My underwear smells like fireworks.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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