took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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