I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
This is classic penis vs brain.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
