Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
