My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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