I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
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Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
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At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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