but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
