i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
