is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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