Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
