So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Say something about gay babies.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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