we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
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A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
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This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
you never un-have a 4some
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