We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
