If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
