Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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