So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
