And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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