I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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