SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
