hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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