If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
