Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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