Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
