Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
