After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize