You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
