gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
