I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
