So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
