i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
