Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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