bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
