My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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