Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
