her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i love accidental penises.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
