you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
