I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
