I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
