What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
