she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
