There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
