someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Dignity is for republicans.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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