she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
