I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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