idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
This toilet bowl is my home.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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