I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
