Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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