Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
