i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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